Hello 2010!

If the internet accumulated dust, it would be here. It's 2010 and I have no entries from 2009. Since the last blog, we've moved to San Diego, bought a house, we each quit a job and started another, started Kindergarten and many other events in between. Oh, and I suppose I can refer to myself as Dr. Malek now although I'd sound like a real ass doing so. Anyways, here I am ready to revive my blog and I've got ideas, lots of ideas, but which ideas come to fruition this year will only be revealed to me with time.

For starters: blog revival!

Progress is good.

After about 3 months, I am finally at a place where I can take a little break to blog without stress kicking in and triggering all kinds of physiological responses that might get me running back to the naturopath begging for some butter. I am more than halfway through my dissertation writing (whatever more than halfway means...it can take 2 weeks to write half the number of pages of a chapter and 1 month for the other half). So far, I have learned that writing, at least technical writing, is a bit of a convoluted process. There is no 'hold steady, full speed ahead'...nope, not at all. It's more like: 'movin', movin', movin', crap!, back it up, back it up, wait, what was I doing?' It's definitely challenging for anyone who judges productivity by what can be crossed off their list for the day. On most days, I actually embrace this challenge of patience and enjoy the literature search and writing process. And then there are other days. I'll just leave it at that.

My dissertation defense is set for August 8 at 10am. I have also learned humility. I so wanted it to be by mid-July but that was pretty much over-ruled by my committee. Now, I am grateful for having the few extra weeks. Damn them for knowing me better than myself. Now that there is an end date for my dissertation work, we are doing what we can at the homefront to get ready for our move. There's a lot to do and despite some inevitable panic attacks here and there, we're, uh, moving along. I know moving day is quickly approaching when I start staring out at the backyard and memories flicker on by: an 18-month old Kai running around a tree like a free puppy on inspection day or Joey meticulously hammering away to build the safest deck in Shoreline or me harvesting my first veggies from the garden. I know my pattern before a big move and, as in the past, these sentimental memories will just become more and more frequent until, come moving day, I loose all composure. It's going to be a tough move. All the memories we have had, not only in this house, but in Seattle. To say the least, life is dramatically different from our days back in San Francisco. A good different of course.

Well, the stress responses are kicking in. It's time to get back to my convoluted science writing. Thanks for reading this spasmodic blog of mine. Until the next time I manage to keep stress at bay long enough to blog a bit. Peace, love and good laughs.

Going with the flow.

I have had a lot of requests for more Kai pictures. So I'm sure nobody reading this blog will mind if one pops up here in there with no relevance whatsoever to what I'm writing about.

After a bad day with low confidence in my academic abilities, self-doubt and a lot of irritability with everything else, I had a good deep sleep, woke up happy and have since had a string of days where I find myself just accepting everything, enjoying where I am and having a general inner peaceful feeling. I guess some days are just so bad that afterwards you intuitively learn what thoughts and feelings should be let go of and not followed.

I made a joke some months ago about being irritable and snappy and then followed it up with "I really am a happy person by nature, it's just been these past few years that I've been so aauuugghhh." Someone else joked by counting the years that Joey and I have been married and finding that to be equal to the 'aauuugghhh'. It's not Joey, it's just life and the act of accomplishing all you set and continue to set out to do. Tasks to be done towards those accomplishments (whether it's getting a degree, building a boat, planning a wedding or raising a happy family) won't ever lighten up unless you decide to be bored for the rest of your life. To me that means getting back to a kind of 'go with the flow' mentality I use to go by before I had the chance to take advantage of all the opportunities I currently have. Back then I didn't even realize I lived with this specific mentality until one day when I was sitting in the office of a very well respected scientist who was helping me write my statement of purpose for my graduate school application. He was trying to convey how important the statement of purpose is and how it should really WOW the acceptance committee: "it should be so good that it hovers over all the others" as he held a manila envelope a few inches off the table and moved it around like a little manila hovercraft. "Makes sense" I thought, nodding back. "You don't want it to seem like you just bumped into all your research experiences..." but anything he said after that just starting sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher (or any other adult character) on the phone ('wa wac wac wa wah wah') because, although I gave him the 'uh-huh, go ahead keep talking, I'm totally attentive' look, my mind was jumping back and forth from memory to memory about how I really did just kind of bump into all of my research experiences...I was just going with the flow. I love to learn and just by seeking out more knowledge, a research opportunity would pop up and I'd go through with it until I bumped into another research opportunity with even more interesting things to learn. Fortunately the University of Washington accepted me despite my apparent bumbling nature. This guy had a point though and a good one if you are a very serious career-minded person with no time for games. I'm not that kind of person but at times would play the role of one only to find the occurrence of more and more 'aauuugghhh' moments. As you move forward in your career, it's easy to get caught up in the competitive and somewhat single-track environment with colleagues who live and breath their work.

So I'm re-learning that head nod. That way when something doesn't work out as planned or someone insists something needs to be done right away, I can just nod and continue to go with the flow rather than gripping on to getting XYZ completed in this way by that time. After several years, I think I have finally gained a steady confidence in my ability to adapt to the unexpected movement of this flow and realized that forcing myself to do anything uncharacteristic of me ends up breaking me down into a person I don't want to be...like a cranky mini-van mom (my antithesis).

Peace.

Time capsules

I was checking out the first of thousands of photos from my iPhoto library so that I could add some color to this blog (something more than these dry words for those of you still reading this site) when I realized what time capsules photographs really are. Time only flies faster when we wish we had more of it left in our day to day and these photographs have managed to hold the vividness of those passing moments like paper capsules of time.

Seeing photographs of just 3 years ago (when Kai was just cheeks and baby blub) remind me both of what we have now and what we won't have again. Whether its the various stages of childhood, a home under construction, or rare expressions on faces you'll be lucky to capture again, it can be an emotional experience flipping through pictures from even just a couple years back. I found myself becoming very pensive and reflective over the last couple of weeks and I think a lot of it has to do with having to write this dissertation. It may seem like being forced to sit and contemplate scientific data would not leave much room for reflecting on the changing colors of life but its the opposite. This very act of having to stop all physical work is what suddenly leaves plenty of room in your mind for reflections to come rushing in. The challenge is trying to brush those thoughts aside in order to focus on the science. And I definitely need that focus. I learned on Friday that my estimated date of completion has been pushed back to late July. I'm aiming for mid-July...part of earning a PhD is proving your mentor wrong.

Enjoy the photos, I'll try my best to keep them up.

Time: the only thing not freezing in Seattle.

I love this city. From the backdrop to the characters, most things about it make me feel lucky that we had the opportunity to settle here for a good six years. In the words of Kai: "there isn't as much to do in San Diego as there is in Seattle." But when asked where he wants to live, the kid comes back with: "San Diego!" Ask him why and he'll say, "San Diego always has sunny weather and it's warm." And there we have it; the Maleks are total sell-outs and will trade a beautifully creative and environmentally-friendly city for plain old simple sunshine. I say 'simple sunshine' in that way because sunny places are almost frowned upon for the dedicated Seattle-ite. I overheard a barista describe his recent winter trip to his home town Denver: "Ya, it was good to hang out with family, just eating and laughing but I wasn't sad to leave Denver. I forgot how boring the weather is. It's like always in the 70s, even in winter." Boo-hoo, barista, now stop your yaking and speed it up will you! Oh sorry, did I just expose the mean caffeine-crashed Tiff? Oopsy.

Yes, Seattle is cold. Freezing in fact. Literally freezing. Yesterday morning was beautiful and clear just like right now. No rain, no puddles, just clear and dry...until you get a little closer to the grass and you notice little green blades are actually ice spikes! I get in the car a little late for a Monday morning (but, hey it's a holiday, I deserve to sleep in!), so 9:30ish and once I am in the car, I notice ice crystals on the windshield. No problem, I'll just douse the windshield with window washer. Squirt, squirt, swish, swish. There, a nice clear windshield and I start driving. Seconds into my ride, I witness the formation of ice crystals from any wiper fluid that wasn't swished away. Ice crystals FORMING RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES. I have never seen that before. See? Literally freezing.

Time on the other hand is not. As the end of January draws closer and closer, I am reminded of the looming deadlines for graduation requirements: have committee meeting by this date, draft of thesis by this date, register for this by this date and on and on. When asked when I will be finishing, I have usually answered "sometime in June" with a carefree hand wave and head tilt. As of last week, when the reality of what 'sometime in June' really means--like in a matter of weeks I have to submit a manuscript that I feel is currently FAR from a completed rough draft and finish up mundane data analysis that makes me feel like I am running down a hall as fast as I can to get to the end but the hall keeps getting longer and longer--gasp! Stop. Breathe. Sorry, my nerves were acting up again. So, ya, now when someone asks me when I will be finishing, I think "Screw you! How dare you stress me out like that you mean, mean person!" but verbally respond with:

"Oh, hopefully sometime in June but worst-case scenario is that I defend in June but turn my dissertation in in August because I can do that, I can turn it in up to 60 days after defending, but my degree will say Summer 2008 instead of Spring 2008 but that's okay. I definitely have to be totally completed by the end of August because my post-doc position starts September 1st and I'll need proof of my degree before I start that. Um, ya, so probably sometime in June if all goes well." Followed by a deep, forced and shaky inhale and exhale.

At that point the poor soul who asked usually looks one of two things: uncomfortable and sorry they asked because they were really just trying to make small talk OR sympathetic in a way that you would look at a wet and shivering puppy. Neither reaction is good. Oh, I forgot the other and most comfortable reaction which comes from other graduate students in my same situation. The good old: "I'm right there with you. Sucks doesn't it?"

Time is melting. Temperatures are freezing. And I'll just keep plugging away wishing it were the opposite. At least we have sunshine at the finish line.

The hippie in me.

There's an ongoing joke with a few other members in the lab that I can be a bit of a hippie. I just chuckle along but don't really see it. Yeah, sure, I went to Santa Cruz but that doesn't make me a hippie. So whatever.

So this morning, as Joey attends a Saturday workshop, I thought it would be fun for Kai and me to go to the year-round farmer's market in the university district. (Photo from seattlefarmersmarket.com) It's a little chilly out but the sun is shining through the clouds a bit and it's a great day for strolling around the different produce and vendor stands. We sample some chocolate bread, purchase some whole grain sourdough, buy some DELICIOUS salmon, and move on to the hippie honey people who joke with Kai and give us a sample of their yummy dark wildflower honey. I find myself chatting it up with them, exchanging relaxed friendly smiles, and walking away with a jar of honey and tips of where to find San Diego farmer's markets. Next we hop over a few small puddles to the flower stand where we check out the tulips and smell the hyancinths...mmmm. Oh good, there's a chicken farmer! "I'm looking for some grass-fed chicken eggs. Know where I can get any?" I ask, partly joking with the jolly grandpa aged man in overalls behind a table of towering chicken eggs. "Hmmm, let me see," he replies, playing along and looking around the market, "maybe I can help you." He then goes on to tell me about the difference between various eggs he carries and the pasture-fed ones others might. I nod along, not just to be polite but with genuine interest. Meanwhile, to entertain himself, Kai is doing some kind of karate-chop, robot dance between the table and me. I decide on grandpa's extra-large free-range chicken eggs and we move on. "Moooommy, can we go now?" Kai tugs at my leg towards the gate, "I want pho now." We head towards the gate and a variety of small carrots catch my eye, "look at these carrots Kai!" He's not impressed and continues pulling me, now using all his weight: "I waaaaaant pho!" I try to entertain him with the carrots: "look, there are orange, yellow, and PURPLE carrots!" I distract him enough with a yellow one that looks like it has 2 arms coming out of it and get a chance to ask the farmer about the carrots. He tells me how sweet they are, how he likes to cook them and shows me some crazy colored beets. Kai starts tugging again so I quickly decide to get a pound of the carrots and one crazy beet. "What are you doing down there little guy? You hiding those pretty brown eyes?" he says to Kai who shyly glances under his baseball cap, "Those ladies won't stand a chance with you will they?" Kai twists around looking at the ground, grinning meekly, and I pay the man, chuckling about the exchange.

Finally we head off to our favorite pho place. "That was fun, wasn't it Kai?" I say swinging hands with him as we walk. "Hee, hee, ya," he giggles; the kid is always happy when he gets to sample foods anywhere. "So, we got our bread and eggs and I can't wait to have some of that delicious wildflower honey--we could put it on rice cakes! Now it's time for pho and then we'll go home, have a nap and it's off to gymnastics!" I say adjusting the canvas grocery bag over my shoulder containing our farmer's market treasures. Right then and there a thought hits me, "I might as well be wearing birkenstocks and a mu-mu: my naturopath prescribes eggs that I just purchased at a farmer's market where we fluttered and hopped about like flower mom and flower child, my 4-year-old who's name literally translates to "ocean" pleads with me to have some eccentric lunch that is a routine meal for us, 'Ocean' has a gymastics class later today where he'll pretty much just roll around and dance to music and we're walking towards our Subaru, the car we decided to get not only because of its safety features but also because it's a great vehicle to pack our camping gear in when we head to the...forest. Okay, so maybe there is a little hippie in me.

Time to wake 'Ocean' (who sleeps in his sleeping bag that we use for camping) up from his nap so he can get to his tumbling class.

Peace and love all.

Bye-bye stress ailments?

I wasn't kidding when I said I'm going to see a naturopath for my weird bumps, rashes, etc. I went this morning and it was the most bizarre, yet cool and productive health visit I have ever had. Spare me a minute while I sound like an old person chatting about my current ailments. First, I've had some itchy rash-hive-bumpy stuff going on on the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet. Not to mention some, ew--dare I say it, fungus (gasp!) near my toes. Okay, next I have some serious tendonitis going on in my right wrist from overuse (and, as I found out today, potentially infection). I've seen an occupational therapist a couple of years ago for it and had a few fixes. Recently, I've developed what's known as a ganglion cyst on that wrist (if you're curious, check it out on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganglion_cyst). Occasionally I would feel some slight aching there but for the most part, it just looked weird and alien. Finally, and more serious, only two months apart, I have had two miscarriages. For those of you who don't know, the last one was in mid-November and although it's sad, just know that I am emotionally healed and am feeling fine so please don't worry or feel bad for me...if you can help it.

Okay, so this morning I stroll into this natural health office, completed patient forms nearly falling out of my purse in one hand and a double vanilla latte sloshing around a paper cup in the other and immediately meet the Dr. (actually an N.D., not an M.D.): a tall, average and smart-looking guy you would expect to see at any medical center. Yet, I have this immediate vision in my head that he is going to scorn me about the coffee: "Is that COFFEE?!! That's horrible for the alignment of your chakras! Throw it out and don't ever come back!!" But, no, he just introduced himself, shook my hand and went back to his paperwork while the assistant led me to a room filled with a couple of chairs, a massage table and a bookcase wall with a LOT of little vials with what looked like different pills and oils in them. I remove my gloves, scarf, hat, and wool coat (it's freakin' cold here) and settle into one of those chairs. The really nice assistant (who happens to know Joey through her husband because he and Joey met at a dinner with some mutual friends when Kai and I were out of town, and became instant BFFs when they found out that they both went to the same high school...six degrees, seriously) listens to me describe my various ailments and rapidly takes notes to keep up with my rambling. Then she leaves and I'm left wondering if I went on about too much "did she really need to know about the toes?", "what could they possibly treat me with for the miscarriages? Should I have left that out." And then the N.D. doc dude comes in and re-introduces himself. I think to myself "didn't we just meet? maybe I look different without all my seattle weather gear or maybe he does that every time he walks into a room with a patient he hasn't seen yet that day." He has me stand near the bookcase wall and asks the assistant to bring the laser. "So you're finishing your PhD, huh?" he says as he's looking through my chart. "Yes," I reply like a good patient. "In what?" he asks. "Molecular and cellular biology," I say, feeling like a science geek (and I imagine myself snorting while answering). "Oh" he says, in the way any M.D. would when they are only partially listening to you while mostly reading, thinking and looking through your chart. It was subtle, but I feel like once he knew my area of study, he immediately expected me to be an over-analytical skeptic of his field (I almost felt a little self-conscious because I didn't want him to think that I was one of the many people I'm sure he's had to face that probably have called his practice crap because there are no scientific grounds for this or that). I am pretty open-minded about naturopathy and alternative medicine and, in some cases, believe it works better than traditional medicine. So I tell myself to not narrow my eyes or furrow my eyebrows just in case.

I am then told to stand with my left arm out and to resist against his hand pushing down on it. I do this while he asks me various questions and gently pushes different parts of my body where certain organs are with his 2 fingers. No problem. I feel pretty strong resisting the pressure when he pushes down on my forearm ("Ya, I'm strong. It's probably those dumbell flies I've been doing," I think boastfully to myself). Then without even realizing it, my arm is pushed down with only gentle pressure from his hand as soon as he touches the region where either adrenal gland is. Whoa. At this point I'm fascinated. "Maybe, I just temporarily lost control of my strength," I think to myself. Then he touches near my ovaries. I'm resisting just fine. Back to my adrenal gland. Down goes the arm. "What the...?" I think to myself. "Have you had blood work done recently, like had your cholesterol checked?" "A couple of years ago at a healthy challenge event through my work but it wasn't high." He turns to his vials looking for a particular one and says "actually I'm thinking your cholesterol may be too low. "Too low?!" While I am busy being bewildered, he is holding up a vial at a time to the same spot and goes back to applying pressure to my arm with 'hmmm's and 'okay's after each test of vial and resistance combo. He begins to explain why my body needs cholesterol and as soon as he mentions cortisol, my little endocrinology knowledge kicks in (estrogen, steroids, a bunch of hormones essentially have the same chemical structure as cholesterol with some slight modifications). "Oh, interesting!" I say grinning. "So basically, you need fat" he summarizes. "Fat?! I'm trying to lose fat!" I say, obviously shocked. "Saturated fat," he continues. "SATURATED fat?!" I respond with eyes nearly popping out. "Your body isn't responding to fish oil, cod liver oil, flax oil...but it's responding to this vial of butter," he says as he repeats the test with each saturated fat in a vial. "Butter? I like butter!" I respond and yes, out loud. But, to myself I think: "man, this is some crazy shit but what the hell, I'm going with it." The vial and weak area testing goes on with him explaining things very well along the way. In the end, I learn that my adrenal glands can use a little more cholesterol, I have a parasite that could have been dormant and is now active because of all the stress and this parasite is causing my itching and weird skin stuff and finally that I don't metabolize folic acid in an appropriate way. Although I have been taking prenatal vitamins with enough folic acid, like 30% of the population, my body doesn't break it down enough for me to get the metabolically active form which is needed to keep the fetus attached to the uterine wall among other things.

I'm dazed and amazed. "Oh and I forgot to mention that I have tendonitis along with this bump on my right wrist. I'm seeing a wrist surgeon about it in a couple of weeks," I say as he's wrapping up his notes. "Okay, let's see. Yeah, that's a big one. We'll see what we can do about that," and he leaves the room. Before I can shake my head back to what I consider my reality, the assistant comes back in with a laser instrument and tells me to keep it pointed at my toes (it supposedly will help get rid of the f--gus). I obey and laser it up. She comes back, straightens her back and says, "so we have an alternative treatment for the cyst on your wrist." "Okay, let's here it," I say thinking and giggling to myself 'she's a poet and she don't know it.' "Most patients freak out when I say it but basically he whacks it with a book." At this point, I can't control my laughter, "What?! A book?!" "Yes, it's how they did it in the old days and he's actually done this quite a bit. It won't really hurt. It will save you either the surgery or steroid injection that the surgeon will give you, not to mention time and money." I respond chuckling, "Okay, I like to save both. I'll go ahead with it." A few moments later, he comes in explaining what he's going to do and positions my arm on the raised massage bed while I sit on a short stool. "We'll use this x-ray book here to rest the side of your wrist against. These cysts are pretty common and back in the day they were just whacked with bibles. It's definitely going to hurt, you have a big one, but we have some ice ready for you" I sit there laughing with my mouth closed as a way to try to contain it while he goes back to his bookshelf: "we'll use this anatomy book." I kid you not, he pulls out this hardcover book that is nearly the size of the yellow pages. My wrist is set into position and he practices the whacking with a few taps. "I'm gonna look away," I say as I turn my head desperately trying to imagine that there is not this man hovering over my wrist with a gigantic anatomy book. He continues to practice his trajectory: tap, tap. And I'm imagining my happy place until...WHACK! "AAAUUUGGGHHHH! That HURT!" I shout, laughing. "I gotta walk off this pain," I say coddling my wrist, stumbling about the room. "Ya, it's got a good zing to it," he says calmly but obviously trying his best to hold back the chuckles at my reaction. But seriously: zing?! That was more than a frickin' zing! The assistant comes in with ice immediately after my shout (I am not usually a shouter when I get hurt...that's how much it hurt). She puts the ice on it while he inspects it and points out: "it's gone."

I'm sent home with the following prescription: eat 8-10 eggs (from the farmer's market) a week, eat 1/2 teaspoon of this special high oil content butter in a vial (the assistant told me it's from his special stash and he doesn't normally give it out...apparently not many patients need as much saturated fat as I do) on a cracker a day, and take the following supplements: a metabolically-active form of folic acid, herbal anti-parasite remedies and a de-stress formula supplement for my adrenal system. So I'm doing that. He said all my skin stuff should go away in a week or two. I'll follow up with him in a week.

A little voo-doo, a little science, a lot of WTF?!, and a reasonable price (I think the book whack was on the house). I remain open-minded. And I canceled my appointment with the wrist surgeon as soon as I returned home.